LunarMusings

6

Six years with this man.  Six.  I can't even comprehend the amount of time that has passed since we first met.  I can still feel that boy and girl meeting for the first time and it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  We have covered so much terrain since that first contact with one another on Match.com.  Yes... Match.com.  Can you believe it?

Love is a ride.  And there is never a way to predict where it will lead you and how you will arrive at any given point along that journey.  This relationship for me has been a practice in living, breathing, opening and saying yes.  And how that has manifested changes with every year we are together.

The last year has been a difficult one for us.  Many adjustments have had to be made as we both moved into his family cabin in Idyllwild and my work changed, finances changed, needs changed.  I'm floored still and ever grateful that we are committed to the truth of things, the lovely, ecstatic, hard, unhappy, thrilled, and challenging truth of things as they are want to come up when two people engage in a committed love relationship together.

He has become my family over all these years and this floors me as well.  Everything about him is as familiar as the whole of my life existence, his presence is a constant in the world for me in a way that feels timeless... a part of me.  Love can be piercing this way, and its something I had never understood before.

I bow in gratitude to us and where we are now.  I bow to us and where we may head towards.  I bow to the unknown, and I bow to the journey love is constantly leading us on.  I bow to the piercing, to the raw and to the timeless.  I bow to this man in my life, at my side and the constant evolving, unraveling and deep seeing that is required from us by this love that has brought us together.

I bow reverently to the last 6 years of our lives and all they contained.

A Moment Of Ignition

You know those moments when all things just coalesce into one big restless outpouring?  I'm having that right now.  And what follows is a frenzied list of stream of consciousness words... a list of what is swirling within and driving me into a dangerously delicious direction.

*Passion*

*Balls to the wall*

*HardCore*

*Unleashed*

*SexOnFire*

*Hot*

*Heat*

*Intent*

*Yes*

*Longing*

*Desire*

*Depth*

*Intensity*

*Wild*

*Abandon*

*Wanton*

*Fever*

*Free*

*Free*

*Free*

*Unfettered*

*Emotion*

*Released*

*Re-Membered*

*A-Maze*

*A-mazing*

*Amazed*

*Boundless*

*Heavy*

*Storming*

*Dangerous*

*Potent*

*Potent*

*Potent*

*Unwavering*

*Living In My World Now*

*Yes*

*Daring*

*Audacity*

*Shit Ya*

*Timeless*

*Seen*

*Watch Me*

*Flight*

*Raw*

*Cracked Open*

*Slip Stream*

*Movement*

*Revolution*

*Sacred*

*Carnal*

*Met By Me*

*Free Fall*

*Do It*

*Fuck Regret*

*Embrace It*

*Embrace It All*

*Just Beginning*

*Prolific*

*Eternal*

*Expansive*

*Vast*

*Naked*

*Revealed*

*True*

*Dangerous*

"I am forever... time me."

~The SexOnFire reference above was about the song by Kings Of Leon.  The song came up on a girlfriends Facebook page and it played into the mix of the storm within perfectly.  The song and this guys voice is hot... check out the video here.

Full Moon in Taurus 2009

Taurus... earthy, fixed, sensual, slow, physical.  Its an interesting energetic, because as I sit here reading about all the things that are happening astrologically with this Full Moon, I am brought back to what I have been practicing here now for a while:  How does this Moon feel for me?  Its never just that the moon is full and in a particular sign, but its what house it falls in for you, and what other transits are effecting the vibration of this moon.  So the focus here can't be on giving you a definition of what you are suppose to be feeling, but rather to facilitate both yours and my connection to how the moon is effecting the personal inquiry that is called for.

Right now for me there are a few things up.  I am seeing bounty creep into the day to day of my life.  Sweet little reminders that the seeds that I have planted over the last two years, seeds that felt so arduous in the planting, have begun to reap fruit in a slow and and tentative manner.  I am also deep in the excavation of my journey with planning.  I'm facing, for the first time it seems, the reality that I have never really planned for much in my life.  I haven't planned my life at all.  Always letting the winds guide me, remaining open to whatever spontaneously came up, I find that now at the age of 38, there are very key elements to my life that are missing because I didn't plan for them.

In all this its the concrete day to day that seems to come up and reveal itself as important.  Its interesting to observe, because I am really talking about the mundane day to day.  Things like, consciously drinking my green tea in the morning and my soothing herbal tea at night so as not to disrupt my sleep.  Rituals really.  Almost as if since the bigger plan isn't set in place, the small detailed plans of each day want to be established so as to give me a deeper sense of security and rootedness.  This needs to be sat with more...

The other awareness I am having is that there has always been a deeper resistance for me to plan, one that was deeper then the on the surface attitude, that I was a bohemian go with the flow kind of girl.  That icky truth is that I didn't want to plan for something, commit to it and then miss out on something else that might come along.  That and, I didn't want to be responsible.  There. 

I know intellectually that my life is a journey.  I have always been committed to growth and learning and self facing.  I know that even though I have never exercised my planning muscle, it can still work and grow in strength.  I know I can do this now if I chose.  I am just caught in a terror over what price I have actually paid for 38 years of no planning. 

It feels right now, like concretizing things is important.  Daily rituals, anchors throughout my day that keep me feeling a sense of solidity so that I may practice this art of planning in the bigger scheme of things.  

This is my Full Moon in Taurus.  How is it for you?

Wellnes Wednesday: Something I've Been Thinking About

"...No one can advise or help you–no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: MUST I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet the solemn question with a strong, simple ‘I MUST,’ then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose."

~Rainer Maria Rilke, February 17th, 1903

The denying of my deepest truths and desires have lead to most of my dis-ease physically.  I suppose the same could be stated about my mental restlessness and discontent. 

Hmmm... That's all this Wellness Wednesday.  Just clear quiet awareness.

New Moon In Libra 2009

"The two luminaries (Sun, Moon) are in Libra at this New Moon. That brings a rush of fresh air to clear our minds. It gives us special Libra equilibrium goggles, that show us how we're doing in relationships. It sharpens our vision of what's needed to bring more love, peace and beauty into our lives.

Libra is the sign of balance, but in a world of constant change, we reach that only in brief moments. The New Moon chart shows four cosmic bodies (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus) in Libra. So it's a moment when the lunar light goes out, and in the Void of the Dark Moon, we can have flashes of the way things ought to be. With cardinal Libra, we grow agitated to see our ideas made manifest. The New Moon can be a big moment where these ideas are pulled out of the dark of the spirit and imagination."

~from About.com

Renewal is what I feel in the air and within me.  Slow, gentle renewal that reveals small cracks in doors that seemed closed not to long ago.  With my birthday just having passed and the Fall Season birthing itself deliciously, I am waking up into a sense of possibility and tiny Yeses to that which I had dismissed or cast out of my life out of exhaustion or reaction or fear.  And I feel girlie, feminine, very Libra actually, which I love being. 

I strive for dynamic balance that is birthed from a place of presence, embodiment and continuous checking in with my deeper self.  I long to let my inner guide dictate what needs to happen now, rather then the shoulds that my mind throws at me, which then casts me into a state of rebelliousness and stress.  And I want to do all that with big splashes of pink on while doing it!

How are you feeling this New Moon?

Chain of Women And Fall Reading

"She often told me about other girls or women, linking me time and again into the chain of women.  I began to feel I belonged to an invisible sisterhood that transcended past and future into eternity."

~Rosina-Fawzia Al-Rawi

I have been really feeling this in the last week or so.  I think its a combination of the Season and how much it invigorates me, but leads me inward as well.  There have been deaths, grieving, gatherings, emails, art, sharings, and all of them seem to take place either in physical circles or in the ritual spaces that women seem to connect through in the ethers.  I'm feeling the red thread that connects each woman, past, present and future to one another, in our intuitive, body wise, soulful core.  I feel cloaked in it, beckoned to it as if the entire Season wants to be dedicated to being immersed in ritual, dancing through the Inbetween places and moving through the portals of time gracefully, but wildly.

I feel the chain of women, that invisible cord of sisterhood that ties us all together, calling.  Do you feel it?  And if so, please share... 

Art Alliance of Idyllwild's 12th Annual Art Walk and Wine Tasting

Idyllwild is having its big art walk of the year tomorrow, and I can't wait!  I will be at the Courtyard Gallery all day showing my journals for the first time there.  I also have work in the Artisan's Gallery if you get a chance to come up and take a peak. 

I'm thrilled about my work being in the Courtyard Gallery, as the journals are the first of a couple of different works I will be showing there as the months pass.  So much fun!

Idyllwild is within driving distance of Los Angeles, Orange, San Diego and Riverside Counties.  Come!

Wellness Wednesday: Rubio's Fresh Mexican Grill

I know... a fast food post!  Here!  But I had to. No, really.

A couple of days ago, Jon and I drove down the mountain to drop off the jeep to get fixed, and take care of some errands.  In the middle of what turned into 5 hours of running around, we both got hungry and decided to stop at a Rubio's Fresh Mexican Grill for a bite to eat as there was no other really good choice that would suit us both. 

Being that I have begun to be super hyper-vigilant about keeping any trace of gluten out of my diet at any cost, eating out has become challenging at best.  In a place like this, I can't have the rice, the tortillas, even the corn tortillas as they will sometimes have gluten in them, the sauces usually are laden in MSG as most fast food is, and... well.. ordering can be a pain.  But starving, in I went and began looking at the menu, which by the way is really really good! I hadn't really ever been in a Rubio's, so this was all new to me.

As I studied the menu, and taking quite a long time, I began to ask the girl behind the counter questions.  There was a sauce that sounded good, but I wanted to know the ingredients.  She didn't know and turned to ask the manager, who listed them for me, but he didn't know what the white sauce base was made of.  So I told him not to worry, that I would get something else, as often times there was flour or gluten in mysterious white sauces, so I would get something else.  

I managed to order something and while I was getting my drink, the manager came out and handed me the label with the listed ingredients from the sauce, which was so nice.  As I read over it, he asked me again what it was that I was allergic to, and I said it was wheat/gluten.  Handing the list back to him, I thanked him and then went out to the patio to sit with Jon.  As we ate, the manager came out again and handed me a 2 page allergen chart!   How cool is that?

The chart listed every single item on their menu and if it contained milk, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, fish, shellfish, soy or wheat.  I was so surprised to see such a list and impressed as well.  I haven't really been to a fast food place in quite a while so even the idea of asking for something like this would have never crossed my mind, but having it handy and able to use it while looking at a menu that can potentially render me sick for a week was like a revelation! Big kudos to Rubio's! This alone makes me want to go back. 

Oh ya... and the food was delicious!

Fall Reading: Grandmother's Secrets

"A woman is the guardian and hostess of the earth.  As the bearer of life, she stands closest to birth and death, thus closest to life and to the earth.  This linking, life itself, is a woman's true space."

These are the first few lines in Grandmother's Secrets: The Ancient Rituals and Healing Power of Belly Dancing.  I love this book, and the pearls of wisdom and truth that fill each page have me purring.  The quote above is truly the basis for my spirituality and practice, so to read it as the opening of a book that focuses on the alchemy of women's bodies dancing...well lets just say I am home.

I have been practicing the Tantric Dance of Feminine Power, for over 9 years now, and movement and the potency of feminine wisdom it unleashes has been such a guiding revolutionary force in my life.   And when I am not practicing, I have been fortunate to live in a community with a vibrant Belly Dance element thriving here, that lets me savor the beauty and power of an adorned woman moving to the life giving rhythm of her hips.  Finding this book now just seems part of the dance for me.  Another morsel, another crumb along the path of this life, that affirms the truth that lies within.

"As I have suggested, the story of one's life as it is written in to the body can be retold and understood in the intense moment of dancing.  Thus belly dancing becomes a source of inspiration, a means of collecting and strengthening oneself, and a clear and dynamic way of discovering one's wishes and understanding oneself, no matter how insecure and doubtful the future may be."

Indeed.

Full Moon in Aries 2009

Full Moon in Aries.  Can you feel it?  I have been buzzing with the energy of this moon since yesterday.  Last night Luna was shining her big face into every single window of the house. And although I can sleep with light, with sounds and with others around me awake and talking, last night I was just... ON. 

These days, with these posts I am tending to just post what I'm picking up.  We know Aries is a fire sign, the first sign, cardinal, independent, strong willed, intense.  But what about how the moon felt for you?  To you?  For me last night, it was like I could see.  I tried to go to bed around midnight, and then had to get back up.  My eyes were wide open, and although my mind wasn't racing with thoughts, there were still words that needed to be written. 

I quietly made my way back up to the loft and pulled out my journal and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  It feels as if this fiery full Moon is burning the veils that were hanging before my eyes, and things were and are clear.  I have no other way to explain it. 

I'm still buzzing, and awake, and checking in with myself and with the Moon often.  What do I need right now?  What do I know now?  What is wanting to be revealed? What is it I need in order to remain present with what is coming through about my life and the world around me?  How am I experiencing this particular Moon that is different then any other Full Moon before it?

Check in with yourselves.  Make note.  There is much She is broadcasting right now for us to tune in to.

I Bow To Her In Awe

I truly believe and feel in the depth of my bones that Maya is the embodiment of the Goddess Mother.  Wise, potent, nurturing, juicy and commanding.  She gives us the words that call our souls forth as humans, as Women...  This crossed my Facebook page this morning, it gave me chills.  I hope it does for you as well.

Wellness Wednesday: Words To Evoke Wellness

Community

Tea

Cool mountain breezes

Lentil soup

The color mauve

YES

Rumi

Running into a friend at the grocery store

Festive squirrels

Poetry

Starting at the beginning... again

Forgiveness

Lists

Empty journals just waiting for the story, the image, the truth

Art

Quiet time alone

Be well this week!