
The picture above? Its how I feel right now. Autumn has been teasing me here in Idyllwild for the last week or so. Cool crisp breezes tickling my face, creating the need for a scarf, the occasional long sleeve and socks! What can I say right now? I feel rusty to say the least. This Summer and a huge part of Spring too, just kicked. my. ass.
It was as if the Universe gave me a month in Maui as a huge break that was sandwiched between some intensive purging, introspection, depression and really...Transmutation. Coming here to this little corner of my world became a long lost habit for the most part, as I was so deep within it all, I lacked the words to really articulate the process I was in. And am still in.
There has been so much that has come up for review for me. Questions, uncomfortable dynamics to take responsibility for, deep shiftings in my relationship, uncertainties about my path and my work in the world, deep deep battles with the habit of scarcity in my life, and who knows what else.
"My time now in this upcoming cycle is about Transmutation. T r a n s m u t a t i o n. This
is different the transformation, although that is what will be taking
place as well. I am still holding this word close to my heart, still
letting it unfold within me. I am aware that this is about a cellular,
vibrational, physical, elemental, spiritual shift into another being
altogether. "
So much of the last 10 months really, has been about letting go of an old way of life, and creating something new... an adventure. But its also been about evaluating who it is I am and want to become. Sometimes the things that come up can really knock the breath out of you, and I find that I am still stuck in places that I had assumed I had worked through so so long ago.
The other day I was sitting on the floor of my friend, Trine's living room while thunder cracked all around us, and I remember hitting on something for the first time, yet again. I'm still tied up, stifled and holding back. And its certainly been a process for me to unravel the ways of being that I have adopted in order to not rock the boat, or not be messy, or not seem to overwhelming for others, or myself. But now... here and now, I'm finally in the process of unleashing, not unravelling. And certainly this year has been about that. Its absolutely what locking my hair has been about. A way to anchor into this new, potent and tender place of authenticity and uncovering.
I feel wild, primal, BIG inside. And the sacrifices this is demanding have been daunting, but always worth it. And this is what has carried me through the last two seasons of deep hidden maneuverings that were marked with a searing intensity. And now? The rest. The breeze around me seems to whisper of the ability to grow bigger around the heart of the matter, making it easier to See, making me braver to Be, and allowing for a tentative step into the wildness of my soft woman self.
I wish you all a perfectly soft, magical and transformational Fall Season.