My word last year was Transmutation. I had just left my old life behind and moved up here to live in Idyllwild full time with Jon. With no one else to work for but me and my time being my own, I knew that 2009 was going to hold space for me to do a great deal of inner traveling. And so it was. This last year kicked my ass. And I needed it. It wasn't pretty, and it didn't have a concrete path that I could follow so I knew where I was heading. But on this end of it, I see how much shedding, self facing and individuation took place in this dark journey of a year.
I also got a deeper glimpse into how shackled and bound I still am after all this time and self inquiry. The layers just keep revealing themselves to me, and I come out of this time with such a potent awareness that its still me that holds me back, keeps me 'in line' and makes nice in order to play small. It made sense that after a year of dancing around the decision to dread my hair, I did it and it became a physical manifestation of the changes occurring within me and all around me, but more on that later.
Transmutation is constant in a life that is impulsed by deep inquiry, and I'm by no means done. But there has been this renewal in what I can only call individuation. That thing that most of us did as teenagers to separate our identity from our parents. The process is never over with out parents, of course, but I have been experiencing it this year in such a profound way. Its happening in my thinking, my relationship, my work...
I was sitting in the living room of a friend last month and we were talking about our journeys and the questions that were coming up. And at one point she pointed to my hair and said, "Your hair..." and we locked eyes and grinned in that knowing way when there is some deeper cellular communication going on. I reached up and took hold of a couple of dreads and nodded my head. Without thinking about it, I said, "I'm becoming unleashed." And every part of my being responded to those words. To that word.
Unleashed. Its certainly not the word I thought would lead me into this new year, but there it is. A breaking free of myself and my story and of appearing onto the scene in a fully real, wild and primal way. I think that is what this last year of transmutation has lead me to. And I can't explain it fully, but there is a wildness that has been held back for to long. And I don't think its a wildness that is unique to me. I think its intrinsic in every woman. A wildness that is stifled, subdued and pushed back for one reason or another.
"There is a wolf in me...fangs pointed for tearing gashes... a red tongue for raw meat..and the hot lapping of blood. I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go."
~ Carl Sandberg - "Wilderness"
Like this last year with Transmutation, I have no idea where this theme and year will lead. But I say, 'Bring it.'
