I've committed to doing a meditation practice for the next 40 days or so. I say 'or so' because the truth is that I would like to do a full 100 days, but I'm not sure what I will be once this practice is done.
I'm finding the practice to be so intense and such a vicerally potent recalibration that there are days when it takes me almost 2 hours AFTER the actual 2 hours of meditation to find some sense of stability. The energy movement caused by the practice itself feels like a dizzying high that leaves me both shockingly awake and totally unaware of which direction is actually up.
This morning was... interesting. I say this with a smile on my face because one of the things I'm loving about this practice is that all I have to do is show up, and the work, what needs to shift and be alchemized within me and throughout my ancestral line, happens without much mental control on my part. And... this morning. This morning I felt such an intense rush of energy through me, like a flood gate had unleashed itself, and for quite a while I thought I was actually going to faint. My entire body was tingling, and my brain felt as if it was spinning.
There was a moment or two when I pulled out a bit to observe myself, and my thoughts ran something like this, "Um...? Shit... am I going to faint, or is this like a stroke?" Not very spiritual huh? :) But this practice for me, at least right now, is about learning to trust, to free fall, to let go of the attachments I hold with a kung fu grip in order to maintain some illusion of safety. And so I did. I continued, feeling that if I fainted, then I fainted, if it was a stroke, then so be it. So be it.
I let go and dove further into this exploration, this rush of life coursing through me. And that was the calibration, the alchemy of my morning practice today. I didn't faint, or die or have a stroke. I floated into my morning, as the flood of energy began to find its place in me in such a way as to let me function and on I went.
Then a few minutes ago, I stumbled onto this video. And I sat here crying. Crying because as I watched each of these guys jump off the cliff, somewhere in the back of my head is the usual voice that clings to life and all around her vehemently say, 'Oh hell no!" But then, I took a deep breath as I felt a surge of emotion come up and rather then marvel at them as an observer while telling myself that there was no way I would EVER risk my life this way, instead I felt my body open and embody the experience it was watching.
Their utter freedom resonated with the sense of surrender and letting go that I had experienced this morning. And more then that, watching them fly through these majestic canyons spoke to me deeply about how life is nothing but Divine Play. That there is so much here to taste, experience, have, give, recieve, play through. Most of the time we stop ourselves short due to fear or rules or traditions or societal pressure. And I feel so humbled, so naked before the fact that this morning's moment of sitting there and thinking that if this was to lead me to fainting or even a stroke then so be it, because having the fullest experience this practice had to offer was more important.
Living fully, is more important. And I realize that jumping off a mountain seems a to be a bit more then practicing sadhana, but in that moment I got it. I am beginning to taste it and get the dance of the unleashed.
Enjoy the video!
