It may be hard to tell from the photos, but if you look closely at my side hairline, there is a riot of gray hair trying desperately to be seen in this world. The truth is that about 40% of my hair is now gray! Its an interesting thing for me, because I go through moments of wanting to just own my beauty for all that it is and let my hair be itself, and then I quickly banish that thought with a definitive, "I'm not ready!!!!"
I have to share, that I am not officially part of Self Portrait Tuesday, because as I was just coming onto the scene, they began to revamp the site. But I love the theme so much and find the opportunity to dive deeper in this way so important that I am going to continue playing on the sidelines until they open the web doors again.
With that said, I love the contrast between last weeks entry and this one. There are moments in life, images in life that seem to slow down time and create a space for me to savor the many rich layers available in a single instant. Then there are things like my graying hair. It creates this illusion of a lot of time past, and very little time left and it gives me this sense of anxiety. Its an overwhelming sense of not being ready to be farther along then I am, not wanting to catch up quite yet, and no no no... really, I haven't been around that long, I have EVERYTHING left to do. I know that this is totally tied into our cultures view of age and how much I have obviously internalized it, but it also has alot to do with my new found awareness of mortality.
Turning 34 this year was extremely difficult for me. I was surprised at how hard it was, and really couldn't fully understand what the big deal for me was. After a few months of being with it, I realized that up until now, I really hadn't grasped how quickly years fly by and that if 34 years could come and go in what feels like a blink of an eye, then the next 34 or 40 will do the same. It just doesn't feel like enough time all of a sudden.
Its not really a fear of death itself, but of not having This. I love my life. I love Life, and the ups and downs, the learning, evolving, the letting goes that feel so devastating in the moment, but give way to boundless expansion, I love the sky, the sun on my skin, the sea breeze and the fact that there are endless possibilities for experiences that I haven't even begun to imagine. Death will be fine, crossing over into another existence isn't the issue, its the not having all of this. I know it doesn't sound like it, but there is a difference there for me.
All this from gray hair! Its really alot of gray hair. Its been making an appearance in ever increasing numbers since I was 19. I think the healthy evolved thing would be to embrace it, own it, and let it shine for the world to see.
Not there yet. ;)
