I am sitting here in a cabin up in Idyllwild, California. Such a lovely place. I love it here and have been so grateful for the time I have had to spend up here with my Beloved. As he rakes up leaves and pine needles to prepare for fire season, I am sitting here with a laptop, cup of coffee, and Dave Matthews strumming his magic in the back ground, while all around me wafts the scent of my favorite incense - nag champa. I have been needing this lazy day for a while now. So behind in my writing, so behind in my reconnect with Self time. I have been swirling, stirring, turned around, and trying to keep up.
This season has been approaching me from a very different place then in the past. I feel the culmination of something building, but I am also experiencing the deep need to retreat in my home and nest, not to resurface until I have a clear direction to move towards. The nesting urge usually comes to me during the onset of fall. I wonder how much of the difference is due to the fact that the weather here in Southern California has been so off. Our Fall was unusually warm, our version of winter really didn't start until March, and now we are finally getting some heat and sunny days in the last couple of weeks. Up until then it was a long stretch of gray soft days that are usually characteristic of an earlier part of the year. Is that what has me all turned around? Or is it that I am just at a very new and pivotal transition time in my life? Is it both?
I don't know. I am all turned around. I find myself desperately restless for a new and clearly defined passion and direction in my life, and I see that it will take a bit of time to manifest itself - a bit of time being a year or two - and that amount of time seems unbearably long. My Beloved is leaving for a year long travel sabbatical, and although we have been preparing for this for the entirety of our relationship, it has created a very new and uncharted transition in our relationship, that also brings with it an element of the unknown. I find myself resistant to how much I am already missing him, and at the same time anxious for him to go in order for me to retreat and really assess where I am at in my life.
I am very obviously at the end of what is my second career as a Body Worker, and for some reason changing careers this time is causing more angst then the first time I shifted from Social Work to Massage. I was so ready for a change then, that the transition was completely natural. Its not so this time. There are so many things I want to look into and play with, but along with that there are also so many more concerns then before. Money, retirement, longevity weren't a concern then. Now I am concern with building a long term momentum, a continuously evolving expression in the world where I contribute my true calling in a broader and more defined manner.
I am rambling, I know. I know.
The reality is that every single thing I have ever done in my life has been an evolving expression of who I am in the world. But for the last year I have had this growing feeling that if I don't Create I will surely die. Its suffocating me this feeling. And I have been focused on my relationship, on my health concerns (although not necessarily my health itself), money, and alot of other interests, that the act of creating on a daily basis has fallen to the way side, and as a result the act of creating on a larger scale seems daunting.
But here's where it gets a bit crazy, and I have to thank you so much for sticking with me this far in the post... I Have been creating. In this last year I have created greater financial abundance, I have actively participated in the daily creation of my Love relationship, of my Sisterhood, my work is a daily act of helping others created deeper connections with themselves and their body.
Its the color I miss, its the literal spilling of paint, its the words, and its the books that need to come out of me. Its the Work. My Work in the world. Its the creation of a Bigger Me. A further reaching me. Its time to step out boldly. And I have been sitting in transition for far to long, and it has become uncomfortably habitual.
Perhaps this is very authentically a Summer Solstice boiling in me. I am boiling to a new purer surface, and the angst is all the unnecessary evaporating away. I feel like bursting into a new bloom and bursting into an immediate death of the old all at once.
I mentioned to my Sister/Friend that this is Kali time. That space between one thing and the next, where it is literally a soup of chaos swirling around with no seeming direction, but with much sacred work going on underneath the seemingly meaningless disorderly surface of things. Its a season of quickening, labor pains, and hopefully a profound birth of a new Being.
I am grateful for this weekend away. I am grateful for my Soul Sister connections and this amazing blogging community. And I am grateful for all the possibilities wanting to find their manifestation through me.
Summer Solstice
