LunarMusings

Sunday Scribblings: Decisions

Hello.  Remember this little guy?  He's about 9 weeks old now.  Completely adorable, unstoppable in his energy, and too cute for words.  A complete rough and tumble boy with a propensity for abrupt stops to nap in the middle of whatever he is doing.

The process of deciding whether or not to adopt him has been a bit of a traumatic one for me.  Almost three weeks ago, I had decided that I would not be bringing him home.  I don't have the space, the money, or the time right now to give this sweet thing the love and devotion he needs.  I was suppose to call his owners and tell them no, but just couldn't, so I didn't.  :)

When I did finally call, rather then say no, I asked if I could come over and see him again and play.  So I did.  And this is what he looked like last week.  He is getting so big and so fast.  So I told his great Grandma, who was babysitting for his grandparents (my friends) that I would call her in a week to let her know when I was ready to decide and when I was going to go pick him up.  Because again, look at this face!  Could you really not take this face home with you???

So I haven't called again.  Because the same reasons for not taking him before, are still very real.  The space in the apartment, the cat, the food situation, the having to go to the dog park twice a day, the size of this love once he hits adulthood.  All these things can be worked around, but its not the best I could do for him.  And why take on another person, even if its a furry one, if you can't give it all it deserves? 

I'm sad about it.  And I really can't look at the photo much because it breaks my resolve to call and say no.  But for one last time I thought I would put his cuteness out there.  Its a face that needs to be seen, don't you think? 

I was thinking of calling him Harry...  ;)

For more Sunday Scribblings go here.

Sunday Scribblings: Phenomenon

I have been quietly observing this internal occurance or phenomenon that takes place within me as I create.  It has been an allusive space for such a long time, and one that I have been striving to reach for some months now. Something that had often felt so effortless, was feeling foreign, with my pathway leading up to it a bit fuzzy in places.

But in the last several weeks, I have fallen into a familiarity with this internal language once again.  A space that is informed and fed by the Lunar dance, the time of day, the music playing in the background, my heart space in relation to mySelf, my tribe, my Beloved, my world, my body rhythms...  All these things come together as a portal inward. 

And as if by magic key, this portal opens up, and I find myself in this sensation of Being.  I become this energetic funnel, although it isn't just a phenomenon of transmission, but also an act of translation.  What I feel and sense and am experiencing becomes a language of color, and images and words that have a frequency all their own. 

I find this space to be Sacred... Holy.  I sit between the worlds and not much else exists but the drive to translate this space onto a canvas, paper, image, whatever happens to be in front of me at that time.  And it feels so nourishing to be back in practice.  Because thats what it is for me.  A Spiritual practice of prayer, of connection, of exploration.  Sometimes its a ritual of release, letting go, manifestation, and attraction.  But its always Divine.  Always Sacred, and always, always an exploration home.

For more Phenomenal explorations check out Sunday Scribblings.

Sunday Scribblings: Simple

"If you cannot do an action with joy and reverance, then maybe you should reconsider whether you should be doing that action."
~Jiva Diva

Paint brushes, blank canvases, basket full of paint tubes in a quiet cabin in the mountains...

The simplest joy a girl can ask for.

Sunday Scribblings : Rooted

I haven't contributed to Sunday Scribblings in much too long!  Traveling through India has taken me out of my usual routine, so I haven't been able to frequent the sites that I normally do, on a regular basis.  This weeks topic of "Rooted" spoke to me however, and I am glad that I stopped in for a little peek.

Being away from home for almost 7 weeks now, has been a immense eye opener.  So many feelings have surfaced... shock, overwhelm, alienation, separation, fear, thrill, wonder, discomfort, irritation, frustration, awe, bliss, heartbreak in the most delicious way, exhaustion, arrogance, judgment, surrender, longing, surprise...  I'm sure there is more, but for now, this paints enough of a picture.  I have been taken out of an environment that I have known all my life, a daily existence that I, myself have created bit by bit, and thrust into a sea of chaos.

One of the things that I have discovered with great surprise is how rooted I am to my life back home.  When I left, I needed a break.  I was tired of my daily existence, needed an opening to expand into new territory, but unsure of how to make that happen.  I left amidst jokes from friends and coworkers that I wouldn't return, but inside I knew that of course I would.

Some may call it attachment, but I don't see it that way.  There is an magnetic pull to places we establish as home.  And I am aware that Home can be a people, a place, or dwelling, a relationship, the deep seated truth within.  Home is many things, and I also think that Home is a Life.  The life that I have created for myself although smaller then I would like it to be at the time of my departure, it was and is mine.  Every detail has been created by me.  My work, my schedule, my interests, the smells in my home, my beautiful kitty, the friends I have, the location of my home...  All of those things and more are chosen and created by me.

These things, these familiar parts of my existence exert a magnetic pull on my being, on my soul.  Its a like homing device.  It IS a homing device.  I feel it while here in India.  Pulling at the deeper parts of me.  My cells wonder where the mist of the Pacific Ocean are, my hands miss the daily touching of massage work, and the one on one contact with my clients.  I feel the distance, the vast expansion in proximity between me and my tribe.  The rhythm of sharing our life events has been disrupted in some way.

One of the things that being here has given me, is an ease in seeing myself living elsewhere.  For a while now I have been talking and thinking about moving to the Bay area.  And I find it funny that with all this awareness of how rooted I am to my life, I feel freer to move that life to another place altogether.  Its a paradox I don't completely understand yet.  And I am sure that as time passes it will reveal its secrets to me. 

For now, I am basking in the beautiful awareness of gratitude I have for the roots that ground me in a life that I love.  This is such a gift.  Truly.   

Sunday Scribblings: Yummy

I love the word Yummy.  I use it often to describe all sorts of things.  Boys, kisses, food, the feel of a soft and warm fabric against my face, the feel of my crisp and cool sheets as I slide myself into bed at night... I can go on and on. 

I love this weeks theme, and thought that I would treat you to the yummy things around me this weekend.  One of them of course is my Chloe girl.  She looks so small and sweet in this photo. She is actually bigger then she appears here, but this is a sweet moment in her day and was so yummy, I put the camera down after taking her picture and buried my face in her neck and snuggled for a while!

The other yumminess this weekend was all food related.  These are things we should all be enjoying...

~Tazo Teas  are by far my favorite teas around, especially their Calm Blend.  Its the perfect way to take the edge off of a day when you get home.

~A new discovery in teas is Ineeka's Ma-Chai/Insight blend.  Very yummy indeed.

~Hansen's Ginger Ale

~Oogie's Gourmet Popcorn!  Ok... this is very very important!  You must try their Smoked Gouda popcorn.  It is by far the best popcorn I have EVER had in my life!  Truly!  Its what I have started sneaking into movie theatres with me. shhhh don't tell ;)

~Dagoba Chocolate.  Every single thing they do is delicious.  But for this list, I suggest brewing yourself a cup of hot chocolate.  Decadent, healing, sensual, and the very thing to right the yuckiness in your day... I am having a cup right now... yum yum yummy...

Sunday Scribblings: Goodbyes

Goodbyes is such a big prompt for our Sunday Scribblings...

I have been so aware lately that all of life is a series of "goodbyes" or "let goes".  And not in a conflictual sense but more of an energetic flow.  Things, people, ideas, beliefs, needs, roles - my relationship with all or any of these always go better when my grip on them is its loosest.  The constant shift and flow of dynamic energy between me and whatever I'm in relationship to almost requires a state of goodbye or letting go... or maybe just fluidity.

I don't know... I am tossing these ideas around today...

I am faced with saying goodbye to my time alone, in my own little winter, here in Long Beach without my Beloved.  I find in me some resistance to that.  I have been retreated into my sanctuary and it has been an oh so needed time.  I leave in less then 4 weeks, and I am not feeling quite ready yet. 

I am also resistant to this warm Southern California weather that keeps teetering on spring warmth.  I think we have only had 3 weeks of cold weather (cold being extremely relative), and my body is still wanting to indulge in yummy soups, hot herbal teas and cozy pjs. 

I'm also aware that in this time alone that I have had, I have created new patterns, new awareness about how I function, and what my needs are.  New awareness of beliefs that need to be shed, let go, said goodbye to.  I find that I just want to linger in the awareness, but not quite lessen my grip. 

And I guess thats one of my biggest challenges, one of the biggest dislikes I have had about myself.  I don't dance with the flow.  I don't always let go, or say goodbye when I should.  I would love to be in a constant free flowing exchange with myself, the world, my relationships, and my ego... I want to be in a continuous state of "hello" and "goodbye" simultaneously, knowing that no two moments within a life or a context are ever the same, and so goodbye isn't really some traumatic impossible hurdle to get through as much as its just another dance step in the ongoing music.

Hmmm... this weekend was full, universally speaking.  Full moon in Leo and Imbolc/Brigid/Candlemas...  There is a quickening to our internal and earthly rhythm right now.  And I so want to remember that being in my restful retreat does not require keeping everything as it is or was a few moments or days or months ago.  I can be in a relaxed state of flow or release while the rhythm of life is fast or slow and everything else in between. 

If every single thing in existence is in a constant state of motion, both seen and unseen, then isn't every second that passes a thing that is said goodbye to? A reality that has said goodbye to us?

Sunday Scribblings: I have an idea...

A couple of months ago, I attended a Moon Magic class by Yolanda Valenzuela at the Goddess Temple in Orange County.  One of my early spiritual teachers was there.  I hadn't seen Tecia in quite a long time.  She immediately approached me, and after saying our hellos and hugging, she said she wanted to show me something.  The journal in the picture above is a journal I made for her as a gift for her ordination as a Priestess.  This was years ago.  And she had saved it for a special time and was now using it for a special journey she was on.  She knew that I would be coming to this class and wanted to bring it and show me how important this journal was to her, and to affirm for me that my art work, and my writing had touched her, and still touches women. 

I was so moved by this, and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Her gesture was important for me in my creative process and was a push in a direction that I have been so out of touch with.  More then that, I have always believed that art is about expression and connection.  That something I had created, could be a vehicle for her personal process and still mean something to her after all this time just floored me and felt like a big "YES" from the Universe. That "YES" that you feel when a deep and True Connect occurs.  That "YES" that happens when you are On and in the Slip Stream of Intention. 

For years a my friend Anni and I made these journals as well as Goddess boxes and jewelry and would sell them to stores and Goddess festivals.  It was a fun creative time.  This was so many lifetimes ago.  Over time the landscape of our individual lives changed, and we stopped creating for what was then called SpiralMusings!  My art changed over time as well, and creating these journals in this way wasn't satisfying anymore.  My art had and continues to develop dimension and a flat collage with laminated covers for a book just didn't fill the soul vision I was feeling, but not seeing.

When Tecia showed me her book and mentioned how the women in her circle would love to have a class on creating their very own books I was so inspired.  My wheels began turning...

I got an idea!

I have a vision that I can See.  A new way to create and birth forth journals that radiate the Sacred Feminine magic of word weaving.  And I hope to bring them to you by the end of this year!!!

The biggest lesson in all this for me is that when I am fed spiritually, physically, psychically, and mentally I am fertile.  I am still gestating as it were.  These new visions and ideas are percolating and gathering steam.  I am in the process of rearranging my creating space yet again, to fit the needs of the process. And I am sitting back in my cozy spaces with a big cup of tea, just letting the ideas pour into me.  I am grateful for the color. I am grateful for the anticipation, and I am grateful for the renewing passion that is coming forth in me.

For more Ideas go here.

Sunday Scribblings: Destinations

India. 

Thats my big destination for this year.  There are actually a couple of new roads that are opening to me as this new year begins, but India is the big one.  The next thing.

I was originally going to meet Jon in Thailand and be there for a month, and then together we would go into India for another month.  But as time passed and planning took place, I began to really feel a shift.  More then traveling for the sake of exploring a country, I started to realize that what my soul was craving was a transformation.  And I started to feel the pull of India.  She has designs for me, and one month wasn't going to cut it. 

I am actually leaving my life, my home, my sweet cat Chloe, my work, everything for 2 whole months!  I have never done this before and setting this in motion has really begun to expand my awareness of what is possible for me.  More then anything, my leaving is about learning that life is much bigger then the box I have lived in for so long.

This feels more like a pilgrimage for me.  I intend on visiting the Kali temple just south of Kolkata, and from there, let Her have Her way with me.  I need to See the Ganges... let its current sing to me and whisper the mystical secrets it holds for humanity.  I want to have my all to comfortable senses shocked awake by the contrasts of reality taking place simultaneously in the streets of India.  I want to go back to my spiritual home... 

These next two months are a count down for me.  I leave February 28th and return April 27th.  Its still very surreal and rather then read guide books I am reading through my other books. The books that have been my spiritual journey for the last 6 years.  Stories, mystical revealings, and ways of practice, this is what I am immersing myself in these days.  I have no idea what this will be like, or what life will look like once I am done and back here at home. 

And thats whats most important about this journey. 

Sunday Scribblings: Change... (on a thursday!)

This weeks Sunday Scribblings theme is Change and I am so happy to finally be up and running to contribute again. 

This time of year always finds me looking back into the journal I was writing in at the beginning of the year.  Reading over what my intentions were, what was going on, and scanning the pages of the last twelve months worth of writings.  I'm doing that now as I type this.  The truth is, that this has been an exhausting year.  Exhausting in every way.  I had an idea, but reading over these entries brings it home in a profound way. 

Wow... I'm honestly overwhelmed by what I'm reading.  Every year I set goals, and some years I achieve them, some years I don't complete the list and thats OK.  I just really thrive and love the process of envisioning what I want to do or accomplish or explore and writing it down.  It serves a deeper part of me.  The writer in me.  My journals crave these words and these pictures and plans.  And at the end of every year, the scanning back to see the terrain I have covered, the changes that have occurred serve as a finishing touch on the experience.

But this last year has really been intense for me.  I have spent the entirety of this last year ill, physically depleted and severely anemic.  This has made my mind mush, my body slow and heavy, my strength absent, and my ability to manage my day to day life very weak.  I sucked it up and did it, but reading through all these old pages, I realize just how much I struggled. And just how much I sacrificed in order to "suck it up" and keep going.  I think that I almost just glazed over in order to get through every day. I spent a great deal of the year terrified that something was seriously wrong with my health, and no one could figure out what it was.  For the first time in my life I experience anxiety that at times felt debilitating.  Along with this, Jon's plans to travel and the preparations for him to leave took so much longer then anticipated.  And all that focusing on him and his plans, took up alto of space in our lives.  The dynamic of preparing and anticipating was much more potent and all encompassing then I would have thought.

This "review" is eye opening for me.  I really went unconscious and into auto pilot this year to just try to keep things as normal as possible, but then at night I would go home and write page after page about how exhausted, scared, tired, and fuzzy minded I was.  Every entry was like this!  It scares me that I don't remember that at all. 

Jon has been gone for almost 5 months.  Which seems crazy now that I actually type that, because it doesn't really seem like its been that long.  But in the time that he has been gone, I have deliberately toned down my activity, shifted my work schedule and really have committed to retreating back.  Knowing that I was intensely out of balance, I welcomed the shift in our relationship in order to heal and recalibrate.  I'm just now coming up for air.  My mind is just now starting to feel a bit clearer.  And although my health is not 100%, with the help of an amazing acupuncturist and just plain old time, things are getting better.

The lessons for me here are hard.  I tend to ignore signs of distress for the sake of plugging along as if things are fine.  Resting, stopping, attending to my needs when it requires the exclusion of things and people around me is incredibly challenging for me.  And in the last year I really under minded my well being in a way that is almost embarrassing to admit. 

So I have checked out.  Didn't do the holidays, haven't gone out as much as usual, have spent more time in meditation, cooked more, and lots more sleep.  I have two more months here at home before flying to India for two months.  I am grateful for this time to myself.  I have been relearning to nourish myself in every way.  I have started to pick up the conversation with my body again, and make room to mend the break down in communication.  And I have been doing alot of assessing.  The changes are subtle.  Incremental.  Its a home coming.

What concerns me is that I have growing excitement over the things that are popping up for me on the horizon.  Those New Years intentions are here already, and I can't wait to dive into them.  Going to India for two months is definitely one of those things.  But India will change me.  The process I am going through now is changing me... my needs are different then I thought they were.  My aim is changing course.  And what will this do to my relationship?  How will I be in my world?  And more importantly then any of that is, how can I insure that I will always care for my needs first and foremost, and be committed enough to drop everything to attend to myself when and if the need arises again?

More then anything I want to change my reference points.  Bring it back here in me and anchor in there.  Be completely loyal to that, to me... Sacrificing my health, mySelf... is not even part of reality.

These are the changes I manifest for this new year...

Sunday Scribblings: Good

I came home last night to find this little package of yumminess on my doorstep.  My Frister, Yvonne, had been in my neighborhood and decided to surprise me with this.  She had mentioned the opening of the latest and greatest thing in Long Beach, and I promptly told her that I would never step foot in this place as long as I live!  Imagine, a store dedicated to cupcakes!

So here it is.  I stared at it for quite a while.  Then just let myself have it.  It was a Red Velvet Cupcake.  It was so Good it was a sin.  Thats what it was!  Sinning.  I was Sinning.  And I'm not one to believe in the concept of sin, but let me tell you... it was all those things that feel naughty and fun and decadent.  My mouth is watering just typing about it!

Go check them out - Frosted Cupcakery rumor has it that they even make cupcakes for dogs!!!