LunarMusings

Bring It

My word last year was Transmutation.  I had just left my old life behind and moved up here to live in Idyllwild full time with Jon.  With no one else to work for but me and my time being my own, I knew that 2009 was going to hold space for me to do a great deal of inner traveling.  And so it was.  This last year kicked my ass.  And I needed it.  It wasn't pretty, and it didn't have a concrete path that I could follow so I knew where I was heading.  But on this end of it, I see how much shedding, self facing and individuation took place in this dark journey of a year. 

I also got a deeper glimpse into how shackled and bound I still am after all this time and self inquiry.  The layers just keep revealing themselves to me, and I come out of this time with such a potent awareness that its still me that holds me back, keeps me 'in line' and makes nice in order to play small.  It made sense that after a year of dancing around the decision to dread my hair, I did it and it became a physical manifestation of the changes occurring within me and all around me, but more on that later.  

Transmutation is constant in a life that is impulsed by deep inquiry, and I'm by no means done.  But there has been this renewal in what I can only call individuation.  That thing that most of us did as teenagers to separate our identity from our parents.  The process is never over with out parents, of course, but I have been experiencing it this year in such a profound way.  Its happening in my thinking, my relationship, my work...

I was sitting in the living room of a friend last month and we were talking about our journeys and the questions that were coming up.  And at one point she pointed to my hair and said, "Your hair..."  and we locked eyes and grinned in that knowing way when there is some deeper cellular communication going on.  I reached up and took hold of a couple of dreads and nodded my head.  Without thinking about it, I said, "I'm becoming unleashed."  And every part of my being responded to those words.  To that word. 

Unleashed.  Its certainly not the word I thought would lead me into this new year, but there it is.  A breaking free of myself and my story and of appearing onto the scene in a fully real, wild and primal way.  I think that is what this last year of transmutation has lead me to.  And I can't explain it fully, but there is a wildness that has been held back for to long. And I don't think its a wildness that is unique to me.  I think its intrinsic in every woman.  A wildness that is stifled, subdued and pushed back for one reason or another.

"There is a wolf in me...fangs pointed for tearing gashes... a red tongue for raw meat..and the hot lapping of blood. I keep this wolf because the wilderness gave it to me and the wilderness will not let it go."
~ Carl Sandberg - "Wilderness"

Like this last year with Transmutation, I have no idea where this theme and year will lead.  But I say, 'Bring it.'

Manifestation Bundles

I have this on my altar right now.  I call them Manifestation Bundles because even though its a small booklet, inside there are words, images, mandala drawings, a small piece of fabric with lavendar and cedar oil on it, and a crystal and dried rose resting protectively on top.  Spells, prayers, manifestations, intentions... whatever you call it, its what we do as women.  We weave our reality in all the ways we do.  For me this little lovely resting on my altar for this particular truth I am calling in, serves as a visual reminder each and every time I sit down at my altar to meditate or when I just walk past it as I move through the room. 

Some of my Manifestation Bundles have been thick and large, while others tiny and simple.  Most are tied in fabric or twine, and always there are special stones on top. And when what I am calling forth has come to pass I take the bundle with a grateful meditation and store it away in a special box that holds my makings. Its my way. 

I've been deep in making mode of late.  Weaving, painting, binding, encanting...  Its the Fall air luring me back into the deeper worlds.  I have made quite of few of these lovelies and am selling them in Manuscripts For The Journey.  They were made while in deep meditation of the spaces we create for ritual and manifestation.  The colors, images and stitching were all part of the magic that embued these bundles with the intention to germinate and manifest. 

If this is your way too, then I invite you to take a look and get some for yourself.  My wish is that they serve you on your journey as they do me.

Blessings.

I Bow To Her In Awe

I truly believe and feel in the depth of my bones that Maya is the embodiment of the Goddess Mother.  Wise, potent, nurturing, juicy and commanding.  She gives us the words that call our souls forth as humans, as Women...  This crossed my Facebook page this morning, it gave me chills.  I hope it does for you as well.

Autumn Equinox 2009: Here At Last!

The picture above?  Its how I feel right now.  Autumn has been teasing me here in Idyllwild for the last week or so.  Cool crisp breezes tickling my face, creating the need for a scarf, the occasional long sleeve and socks!  What can I say right now?  I feel rusty to say the least.  This Summer and a huge part of Spring too, just kicked. my. ass.

It was as if the Universe gave me a month in Maui as a huge break that was sandwiched between some intensive purging, introspection, depression and really...Transmutation.  Coming here to this little corner of my world became a long lost habit for the most part, as I was so deep within it all, I lacked the words to really articulate the process I was in.  And am still in. 

There has been so much that has come up for review for me.  Questions, uncomfortable dynamics to take responsibility for, deep shiftings in my relationship, uncertainties about my path and my work in the world, deep deep battles with the habit of scarcity in my life, and who knows what else. 

"My time now in this upcoming cycle is about Transmutation.  T r a n s m u t a t i o n.  This is different the transformation, although that is what will be taking place as well.  I am still holding this word close to my heart, still letting it unfold within me.  I am aware that this is about a cellular, vibrational, physical, elemental, spiritual shift into another being altogether. "

So much of the last 10 months really, has been about letting go of an old way of life, and creating something new... an adventure.  But its also been about evaluating who it is I am and want to become.  Sometimes the things that come up can really knock the breath out of you, and I find that I am still stuck in places that I had assumed I had worked through so so long ago.

The other day I was sitting on the floor of my friend, Trine's living room while thunder cracked all around us, and I remember hitting on something for the first time, yet again.  I'm still tied up, stifled and holding back.  And its certainly been a process for me to unravel the ways of being that I have adopted in order to not rock the boat, or not be messy, or not seem to overwhelming for others, or myself.  But now... here and now, I'm finally in the process of unleashing, not unravelling.  And certainly this year has been about that.  Its absolutely what locking my hair has been about.  A way to anchor into this new, potent and tender place of authenticity and uncovering. 

I feel wild, primal, BIG inside.  And the sacrifices this is demanding have been daunting, but always worth it.  And this is what has carried me through the last two seasons of deep hidden maneuverings that were marked with a searing intensity.  And now?  The rest.  The breeze around me seems to whisper of the ability to grow bigger around the heart of the matter, making it easier to See, making me braver to Be, and allowing for a tentative step into the wildness of my soft woman self.

I wish you all a perfectly soft, magical and transformational Fall Season.